Ask The Readers: What Is Romantic Love?

I had such a great time reading the responses to my 4 Questions For My Readers.  You guys are so wise and helpful!  So now I’d like to ask for your input again.   

In Creating The New World, Part 1 Love, I defined Love as “the awareness that we are valuable for our individual uniqueness and yet we are all part of the whole”.  It’s about unconditional acceptance and blessing of who a person is.  At the same time, it’s based on the awareness of our interconnectedness.  

In the same article, I also discussed the future of romantic relationship and marriage.  But I skipped the definition of romantic love. 

What is romantic love?

Because I’m so perplexed.  So many people seem to be crazy about getting into romantic love, and keeping their love “alive”, yet I’ve not seen a good definition of romantic love.  It seems people take it for granted what it means.  

I’ve been thinking about this ever since I wrote that article.  What is romantic love?  What is the difference between romantic love and Love, as I discussed in that article?  Is there a difference?  

How do I feel about love myself?  Well, I love pretty much everyone.  (Until, perhaps, someone attacks me.  Which seldom happens as I am spiritually protected.  And if I do get attacked, I’ll see if I can forgive.)  (Oh, but I admit I had a hard time loving George Bush.)  I’m emotionally, mentally, and spiritually poly- or pan-amorous.  Or, at least I’d like to be, and if there are still some kinks (as a physical being, we all have some twists and challenges, which make life more interesting), I’ll see if I can let them go.  

On the practical level, however, I have only certain amount of mental energy in each 24 hour day that tends to go to certain individuals.  In other words, I’m personally more interested in a handful of individuals than others.  So romantic love is love plus intense personal interest?  

At the same time, I feel physical attraction to only certain people.  To make things even more complicated, the person I’m personally interested in is not always the same I get turned on with.  So romantic love is love plus physical attraction?  Or, romantic love is love plus intense personal interest plus physical attraction?  

Is commitment necessary in romantic love?

 
I’ve heard people say something like, “I’ve decided to love him / her for life.”  That is wonderful, and I respect the sense of responsibility this person exhibits.  I assume this means the person is committed to their partner in the same way they are committed to their own lives.  

I, Akemi, is bound in my physical body and to my physical history.  Whether I like it or not, I’m committed to follow through until it’s time for me to go.  I — my body, my thoughts, my emotions and spiritual beliefs, along with all my external situations and conditions — change with time, but I will follow through.  This is what I mean by “committed to one’s own life”.  

If your commitment to your partner is this much, I really think it’s great.  One lifetime’s uncertainty is quite a bit to take, and you are willing to take another’s in addition to your own.  Honestly, I’ve never felt good to take this much of responsibilities. I want my lovers to be on their own and be happy with or without me.  For me, this is love.  

So I don’t think commitment is a necessary ingredients in romantic love.  I also don’t think shared time and experiences are necessary part of romantic love.  It’s a good part of relationship, but not romantic love.  Dante saw Beatrice only twice.  

What constitutes romantic love?

But this is just how I feel.  What is your idea of romantic love?  I identify at least three ingredients that seem to be necessary for romantic love: love, personal interest, physical attraction.  Are there anything else?  Are all the three necessary?  How are they related to one another?

I appreciate your opinion very much.  Please share in the comment below.  Thank you.  (Photo by Lutz-R. Frank)

Honesty And Freedom

Honesty is one of the most admired qualities.  Most people say they want their life partners, children, friends, and if possible everyone to be honest.  Yet we also know it’s so damn hard to be honest.  

Why does honesty elude us like this?  How can we retain our honesty and integrity? 

Freedom as prereq of honesty

I don’t believe we are destined to be dishonest.  It’s far easier to be honest and say things as they are, rather than twisting the facts and then remembering how we twisted them so that our stories are consistent, often leading us to tell even more lies.  Dishonesty doesn’t feel good and undermines our sense of dignity.  

Yet we lie because most of us don’t realize we have the prerequisite of honesty: freedom.  Complete freedom to say what it is.  Freedom not to worry about the consequences of our honest expression.  

Say you find your employer is compromising the law.  Can you stand up and say honesty that you don’t agree with the practice?  You know you will lose your job if you do so.  Can you still be honest?  Remember Arthur Anderson?  Many otherwise good people compromised their honesty because they were afraid of their job security (and ended up losing their jobs anyway).

Or say you find your friend eating so unhealthy, she is overweight and risking health issues, can you simply express your concern, without any manipulation nor sugarcoating the facts?  Why not?  Because you are afraid of offending her feeling and losing her friendship?  Are you and your friend in friendship voluntarily or do you need her as friend?  

Freedom and autonomy

To feel free, most people need autonomy.  Financial, emotional, and mental autonomy.  

It’s extremely hard to be honest to your employer when your (and your family’s) livelihood is dependent on it.  I don’t object the system of employment at this time, but to usher in the New World based on Truth, it’s a good idea to cultivate our inner entrepreneur.  (Whew, this blog Yes to Me started as entrepreneurship blog, and although it may appear I meandered around into spirituality, I actually have consistency at the base!) Financial autonomy promotes honesty.  

Emotional autonomy means you own your feelings.  No one makes you happy or unhappy.  With or without friends, you are you.  Without this emotional autonomy, relationships of any kind become more about codependency rather than free association.  

Mental autonomy is the ability to think for yourself.  It involves questioning widely accepted social norms and opinions of “authorities”.  

To be completely clear, I’d like to note that autonomy is only a desired ground for freedom, not a necessity.  Because everyone is free on the spiritual level (more on this toward the end of this article) and no one is completely autonomous.  We are interdependent in this world and that is wonderful.  You can be honest while relying on a single source of income, while being emotionally supported by others, and while you are learning and building your own thoughts.  

Still autonomy is very helpful.  Without autonomy (in the conventional sense), we are like slaves.  For a slave to speak up honestly, it takes a degree of “dumbness”, to be ready to die or go on the street anytime as a consequence of his honesty.  And I put “  “ around dumbness because I think this kind of dumbness is good.  It may be based on spiritual belief that we are always supported by God regardless how things may look like.  

Teaching honesty to your children

Most parents want their children to be honest, yet they are unaware of the inherent dilemma they themselves need to resolve to let their children be honest.  Because children ARE dependent on parents.  Children don’t have autonomy, especially financial and emotional autonomy.  They are even dependent physically. 

So how can you let your child know they are free to express their thoughts and feelings honestly?  That they are loved no matter what?  And do you really mean it?  

As long as the parent’s mindset is like, “I want you to be honest, my child, but if you tell me you are the one who broke my favorite vase, I will be upset and won’t talk to you for the rest of the day.” (manipulation and lack of emotional autonomy), they are setting up their child to be dishonest, not honest.   And mandatory honesty is not true honesty.  

I know this is difficult.  Parents are humans, too, still in their development stage, with all kinds of shortcomings.  I just thought being aware of this dilemma may be helpful.  

Further, I think the key in this dilemma is to realize that your child is not your possession at all.  Your child came from the spiritual world to play the role of your child, just as you came to this world to play a certain role.  You are only serving them in their growth in this world.  (Some people call this, “Children are from God.”)  

Honesty to oneself before honesty to others

Honesty starts within.  Before we express ourselves honestly, we need to be aware of what we are thinking and feeling.  Really.  So often, we don’t examine our honest thoughts and feelings and prematurely adopt socially accepted ideas.  

For instance, many people have problem facing their desires, whether the desire is about luxury cars, sex, or the desire to quit the current cushy job to do something they really like to do.  If you resonate with this statement, you are actually better off than most.  People who have serious problem being honest to themselves are in denial.  They may get upset at people who honestly admits such desires and actively accuse them.  

Monogamy and honesty

It would be dishonest by omission if I skip the issue of fidelity in this article about honesty.  So here is my personal opinion. 

I quit subscribing to the idea of monogamy recently because I see inherent issue of honesty in it.  In monogamous relationship, each partner expects the other to be faithful.  This set expectation — lack of freedom — is ground for dishonesty.  If I meet another attractive man while in monogamous relationship, my choices are:

1. I lie to myself and decide I felt nothing to keep my self image of a “good” faithful person. 
2. I be honest with myself but choose to take no action, to stay faithful to my partner.
3.  I be honest with myself but lie to my partner to keep his dream of fidelity, leading myself to cheat. 
4. I be honest with myself and to my partner, leading to potential breakup.  

I may have no problem choosing #2, but I’m not sure if expecting my partner to always choose #2 is a healthy reasonable expectation. 
And I value honesty more than security and steadiness of relationship.  I’d rather have an honest lover than dishonest / confused one who makes love only to me.    

If I feel insecure when I hear him talk about other women (or men, for that matter), that is my issue, not his, not ours.  I own my feelings.  Same with differences in values and opinions.  He may have different opinions than mine, and that is fine with me.  I know that doesn’t undermine the worth of my opinion.  

I don’t want to lock up someone — anyone.  I don’t think I can justify doing so in the name of love.  And I don’t like to be locked up, either.

Does this mean I’m against monogamous relationship?  No.  If two individuals are happy together, that is wonderful — let’s celebrate!  It’s when such condition is enforced, either by manipulation or by social brain washing, that I have a  with.  (A common way of social brain washing is the promotion of soulmate.) 

Can you let your partner be who he or she is?  Can you let them express themselves freely?  Can you honestly say what is on your mind?    

You are free

In conclusion, I’d like you to realize you are already free.  Whether you have achieved financial, emotional, and mental autonomy or not, and whether you feel free or not, you are free.  It is yet another layer of illusion to believe you are not.  

Free will is the primary right and responsibility in this universe.  You can even choose not to feel free, to believe you are enslaved, and you are still accepted as you are.  Free will is such an essential part of life that God even allows us to go against the Light, to become darkworkers.   

I hope this deep sense of acceptance and freedom helps you build your life based on honesty and truth.  (Photo by victor nuno)

How Not To Find Your Soulmate

I know I’m crashing many people’s dreams.  Please don’t stone me.  Although it may be disappointing, knowing the truth of soulmates can free you up in your search for romantic relationship.  (And yes, I know Valentine’s Day is coming up . . .) (Photo by smudie)

You don’t want to seek your soulmate

You know the whole hype the mass media has made about soulmates.  There is one soul that is meant for you, and you are supposed to marry him or her.  You and him or her have promised to do so at the deep soul level many lifetimes ago.  They are also called twin flames.

As you know, I read people’s soul records (Akashic Records) professionally. So, yes, I know about the soulmate contracts.  I come across them occasionally.  When I do, my heart starts sinking with compassion.  And I expect an emotionally-charged phone session.  Because the soulmate contracts, at this time of our spiritual evolution, are outdated and those who are still seeking their soulmates are bound to be disappointed.

It started off on a positive note.  The two souls had such a great relationship that they decided to do it all over again when they’d come back in another lifetime.  And they did.  And the relationship was again good.    And then they came back to this physical world again and did it all over again.  And . . .

At some point, it got old.  When they first meet in the physical world, there is already a sense that they know each other somehow.  In the past, this promoted to form a relationship quickly and kept it secure.  There were plenty of other challenges in life and having a prescribed relationship with someone they already knew on the soul level worked as a safety net.

However, we don’t need this kind of restriction any longer and a lot of souls have noticed it.  They intuitively know they can form intimate relationship with someone new for totally new experiences.  So they have voluntarily cleared the soulmate contract on their own to free themselves.

. . . so long, honey, it’s been good but I’m ready for a new adventure now . . .

What happens when one soul sticks to their soulmate contract

The problem is there are still souls who are literally keeping their side of the soulmate contracts.  They seek and indeed find their soulmates.  They recognize their soulmates as such and woo.  Their soulmates, however, are not interested.  They may feel the familiarity and like their former soulmates, but they are not interested in having yet another intimate relationship with them.

So they keep a distance, messaging “Let’s just be friends.”  The one that’s still keeping the soulmate contract, however, wouldn’t listen and chase their mate.  Sad, unproductive courtship happens.

For the one that’s keeping soulmate contract, this is dissatisfying and frustrating.  For the one that has cleared the soulmate contract, this is very disturbing and confusing.  This person does not dislike their former soulmate – the former soulmate is like an old family member.  Just not romantic.

Sometimes they are already married.  One spouse has noticed the relationship is outdated – it’s not like they don’t love their partners any longer, but they crave freedom and new opportunities.  If they can dissolve the issue somehow, by separation / divorce or by somehow opening up the marriage (whether this involves sex with other people or not), that’s good.  If not, the soul that has cleared the soulmate contract may grow increasingly frustrated to the point that they start resenting their partners.

Soulmates vs soul friends

Soulmates are not the only souls we know from our past lives.  There are other familiar souls that I like to call “soul friends”.  Dr Michael Newton calls them “soul cluster groups” in Journey of Souls.  These souls know each other, may have some agreements, but not a binding contracts like soulmate contracts.  They incarnate at the same time repeatedly to share lifetimes.

You may know your soul friends.  The souls that walk into your life seemingly accidentally but ever so meaningfully.  You just feel so relaxed talking with them, even after a long time of no contact.

For example, in Dr Brian Weiss’ Many Lives, Many Masters, his patient Catherine’s soul friends include the doctor who referred her to Dr Weiss and Dr Weiss himself.

You may or may not want to marry your soul friend.  Sometimes, friends are best kept as friends.

The new meaning of romantic relationship

I think some of us are seeking fundamentally different things in romantic relationships these days.  In the past, relationship was a preparation or trial of becoming and raising a family.  It was for survival.  It was also about learning – learning from each other and through relationship.

Now, for more and more souls, romantic relationship is simply about experiencing love in this physical world.    It’s not about survival – on the contrary, it’s about free expression of love.  Romantic relationship is just that – it really doesn’t matter if it leads to marriage and family, and it doesn’t even have to be about learning.  Just experience what love is like in this physical form.  Period.

I guess most of us are still caught up in the old survival-oriented relationship model that has been the norm in society for thousands of years.  It’s scary to jump to the new type of relationship model based on unconditional love and freedom.  So you may be  tempted to argue that free love is possible and has always existed in the old survival-oriented relationships.  But if so, why do people become so possessive of their partners?

I’m not saying one is better than the other.  I’m saying many souls are waking up and opening to new possibilities.

Like other things I discuss on this blog, don’t just take my word.  If you want to form an exclusive relationship, my blessings go to you.  I know the sense of security feels good, and if your partner is happy about it, too, that is wonderful.  Just don’t bind him or her with mandatory contracts like soulmate contracts

Do you still want to find your soulmate?  Which part of the media story on soulmates ticks you?