Review: The Year Of Yes By Maria Dahvana Headley

Here is a young woman who practiced the principle of Love and found Light.  Her honesty and sense of humor are brilliant, and it’s a great fun read to understand Love and Light in everyday terms. 

Unconditional love in the dating scene

The author, Maria Dahvana Headley, a college student in New York City, had a problem.  She didn’t have a date on Valentine’s Day.  Why is this so?  She is an attractive young woman.  “I was becoming convinced that I was going to be lonely for the rest of my life,” she writes.  So she decided to do one thing different for the coming year: she will date all men who ask her out.  (For the record, she does not have sex with all her dates . . . just with some of them ) 

It’s a little long, but let me quote her:

I decided that I would say YES to every man who asked me out on a date. I’d go out with all of them, at least once.  I’d stop pretending to be deaf when my taxi drivers tried to tell me I was cute. I’d stop pretending to be crazy when strange guys walked too close to me on the streets.  I’d turn toward them, and smile.  And if they wanted to go out with me, I’d say, “Sure.”

No more nos.

Well.  A couple of exceptions.  No one who was obviously violent, or too drunk or drugged out to walk.  No one who introduced himself by grabbing me.

 
Whew.  This is a big challenge.  And she follows through, starting with the maintenance guy of her apartment.  

“Plying my heart open”

This is her expression of the process.  Before this experiment, she was picky and critical.  Like most of us are.  But as she got to know so many people — old, young, rich, homeless, well-educated, new immigrants, a few women — she started to see people in a new way.  She connected with people, not just men but everyone including her neighbors, with sincere human interests and compassion.  

Spirituality teachers and texts talk about acceptance and compassion.  Many times, however, they then turn around and accuse the less conscious, less loving, or less of whatever.  (This ultimately leads to the idea of the big judgment day.) 

Maria presents a delightful contrast by developing unconditional acceptance and compassion through the seemingly humble or even low act of dating with all men.  Conventional thinking may label her slut.  I think she is a madonna with sexuality.   

As I wrote in the Love part of the Creating The New World series, unconditional love is the only love there is.  All conditions and judgments are BS.  

I first read this book when it came out as hardcover in 2006 and was so impressed.  Since I was (well, still am) single, I thought of doing the same.  I quickly found I just don’t have the guts nor the energy to do so.  So hat off to Maria.  I sincerely want to have her level of openness and love. 

Sexuality and spirituality

Can we awaken our spirituality through romantic / sexual love?  Or are sexuality and spirituality like oil and water, never can be mixed well?  

This has been a big question for me for many years.  I’ve been drawn to spiritual development, but part of me hesitated as I smelled the hypocrisy and cold judgmental attitude of the “spiritual” people.  

As you know, many spiritual traditions put down sexuality and sexual love.  There is a reason to this.  For men, sexual drive can be so strong to the point it is violent, which is of course no good.  For women, being attached to her lover and children can possibly hinder greater level of love.  

And, even though it is mostly hidden, there are also a few spiritual practices that encourage sexuality.  Tantric sex is one. (Don’t ask me what it is . . . I only know the term.  Lisa, the mommy mystic, wrote a great series of posts on second chakra and talks about this in her comments)  Also, in the ancient days, there were shamanic “festivals” that involved spontaneous coupling.  If sexuality is against spirituality, how can these things happen?  

Reading The Year Of Yes helped me understand this. 

Many paths to spiritual awareness

1. Complete abstinence

You can abstain from all sexual activities and devote yourself to bigger sense of love in your path to spirituality.  Because there are indeed some challenges in sexuality as I pointed out above, this is a valid approach.  However, it comes with a cost of suppressing our sexuality, the natural part in us.  

As Akashic Record Reader, I see so many energetic issues stemming from becoming or being a monk / nun.  This is just a very hard way to spirituality.  And may I remind you that Buddha was a married man before he started his spiritual development.  I don’t think Jesus was a virgin boy, either — Mary Magdalene was his wife. 

2. Embracing your sexuality

There are two ways within this path: You can heighten your spirituality either through your sexuality or despite your sexuality.  

Many try the latter, which involves difficult balancing act within yourself.  If you have negative feelings about sexuality, your sexuality would feel like a drag or block to spirituality.  And because sex takes two, if your interpersonal communication skill and personal boundaries are underdeveloped, sex would likely become a problem than blessing.  

Maria took the path directly through her sexuality.  Spiritual development wasn’t her objective in the beginning, but she ended up with spiritual light.  Again, this path takes guts.  She went through many embarrassments and disappointments.  When done well, however, this path marries sexuality and spirituality beautifully. . . I see such possibility.  

Her polyamorous approach ends in finding the one love of her life.  Quite an unexpected and lovely ending.  Reality is stranger than fiction and love is a miracle.

Creating The New World, Part 1 Love

Do you create your life freely or do you live within the limits of the existing system? Do you realize you have the power to change the system, and eventually the whole world, when you make a change that is not limited by the existing system?

I want to dream big and write about how we can create the New World based on the foundation of love, light, truth, abundance and power. Because big dreams inspire us and provide us the essential direction of our lives. How can we make the decision of which road to take when we don’t know the big picture and the overall direction?

Plus Ascension provides us the rare opportunity to change. We live in a special time when significant change is possible.

What love is not 

First we need to know what love is. And few words have been abused as badly as the word love.

1. You don’t know what love is if you think unconditional love is special.
If you think there is unconditional love, which is a better kind than other kinds of love, let me ask you: What is love that is not unconditional? What is conditional love?

• I love you if you (lose 10 lb, quit complaining, help me more around the house, etc.)
• If you love me, you would (stop drinking, work harder, etc.)

These are just forms of manipulation, in the name of love. I know most of us have been conditioned with this from childhood, but let’s make it clear this has nothing to do with love.

2. You don’t know what love is if you sacrifice yourself in the name of love.
Love starts with self love. There is just no way to love others while ignoring your own worthiness or letting yourself abused. And if you think self love conflicts with love for others, look around carefully. Love gets stronger with more love. Conflict is an illusion made from the fear of scarcity.

3. You don’t know what love is if you think love is about holding hands and not saying anything uncomfortable.
Uncomfortable to whom? To that person or yourself? You may say you don’t say certain things because you care about that person’s feelings. Well, I care about people’s feelings, too, but I also know that, when someone think in this line, they are usually hiding the truth, and the truth is they don’t say it because it makes themselves uncomfortable.

We sure don’t need to offend people’s feelings unnecessarily. But hiding the truth under the name of love is very unloving.

Loving darkworkers

The last point leads to the issue of darkworkers. It sounds nicer to say that there is no such thing like darkworkers and we are all good loving souls, hug one another, and ignore the energy sucking dramas some of us are acting out. But is it true? And is it helpful even to the darkworkers themselves?

It’s helpful for darkworkers to continue their way, yes. If they are to come back to Light, however, they get the best chance when people around them set up a clear boundary so that the darkworkers cannot get any energy from them. Tough love, sure, but what is the point of covering up their acts?

This is not about fixing them. Let them be who they are but put your self-love in place. Awareness of what is really going on, factually and energetically, is the start of love.

Then what is love?

My definition is love is the awareness that we are valuable for our individual uniqueness and yet we are all part of the whole. I love you for who you are. No need to change unless you yourself wish to change. And together we make a union that is more than the sum.

We are like parts of one body. The kidney is valuable for its unique function, and so is the heart. The heart doesn’t put down the kidney because it deals with urine. Our respective uniqueness is our strength — we don’t need kidney to become more like the heart.

Sometimes, a part of the body starts doing strange things. It starts to suck up energy from the surrounding area, making the area difficult to function fully. We don’t need to hate this part of the body, but we do want to focus on our ability to function fully and give our attention to the working parts, not the malfunctioning parts. This is how we “love” darkworkers.

But what about romantic love and relationship?

I think romantic relationship and family unions in the New World will be very different. I’m not against the idea of romantic love — it’s a beautiful form of love — but I do think the consequent idea of romantic relationship and the institution of marriage are abused badly.

Think for a moment. If the New World operates on the foundation of love:

• Do you need someone to assure your worthiness by being with you?
  Of course you don’t. You already love yourself as you are.
• Do you need someone to promise to be with you for the rest of your life?
  You don’t need to force love and security in such a way. Relationship is best when it is based on free will, at any given time. And forced love is not love, whether it is forced by yourself or by others.
• Do you need to form a secure haven called family?
  If the outside world is a savage cruel place, it makes sense to build a safe small haven, and this has been one of the major function of family. But if the New World is all about love, where is the danger?

So what is the role of romantic relationship and marriage in the New World? While we operate on the big love, it’s also good to form close connections so that we can get to know each other better and we can share ourselves readily. Romantic relationships can be one of those relationships, along with others like friendships.

We’ll loosen up a big time in forming and maintaining romantic relationships. You may have just one partner or multiple of them at any given time in your life. Your living arrangement can be flexible, too, beyond the traditional form of living with your family. If you enjoy being close to others, you may choose to live in something like a co-op that is formed on the basis of shared interest (say, similar eating or exercise habits, or artist co-op that shares studio space, etc). If you like traveling, you can do so. Or you may like solitary living arrangement. Whatever you choose, you are accepted and loved.

Sexuality in the New World

Romantic relationship and marriage are considered to be the only “correct” forms of sexual relationship at this time. So when we loosen up our idea of relationship, what happens? Do we become promiscuous?

First, it’s important to realize that your sexuality is yours. It’s not your partner’s nor of some authority in government or religion. You decide the when, with whom, how. This is especially important for women. Do not let the conventional “you are either a madonna or a whore” idea limit you.

Next let’s admit we get into the act for many reasons other than love and pleasure. Have you had sex with hidden agenda like:

• To prove you are (attractive, strong, worthy of attention, etc.)?
• To control your partner (to keep them to you, to get them do something, etc.)?
• To distract yourself (from boredom, loneliness, frustration at work, etc.)?

All these conditions will be worked out when we operate on the foundation of love. So sex with hidden agenda will go away.

Contrary to the promiscuous sex-overloaded society that some people may have thought when I said “New World based on love”, I think we may have a lot less sex in the New World. When you realize you are free to choose the type of sexual relationship, and you don’t need to bring in hidden agenda — when you choose to have sex just because you feel like it or to share some fun and pleasure with your partner — I think the demand would naturally decrease. Of course, it’s also quite fine if you are into providing joy big time.

How to bring in the New World

First, I want to emphasize it is totally counterproductive to think of the New World as how things SHOULD be. The should mentality, the expectation, automatically put it off to some unknown place in time and space. The time to start the New World is NOW.

Here are some things you can do today to bring in the New World:

1. Forgive yourself and others so that you can start anew. Forgiveness is a form of self love.

2. Live in gratitude. Gratitude is an expression of love. Don’t discuss how important gratitude is; say thank you to your loved ones, to things around you, to nature, to life.

3. Talk about the new way of life with your loved ones — your relationship partner, family, and friends. Embracing the possibility is the first step of actually living it.

4. Allow more and more love in your life. Do you do what you love to do? Do you talk to yourself with kindness even when things turn difficult? Do you spend time with people you really like? Do you express your love in a simple, straight-forward way without fear?

5. For each person you interact with, find some unique gifts they have and tell them how much you appreciate them. We can use a lot of assistance in realizing our beautiful qualities in us.

The “gift” doesn’t have to be some holy, noble, rare quality. For instance, a pretty smile is something we can treasure. (Do you realize how so many people, both men and women, would be delighted to hear how cute they are?)

6. Think more ways to cooperate rather than compete. If you are in business, are there ways you can work with others in the same or related fields that would benefit all involved? If you are studying something, can you also teach each other? Competition is based on scarcity and fear. Cooperation brings in more love and abundance.

7. Try something new. This requires self love and assurance, and in tern reinforces the same. And you will meet more people to love, learn more things to love.

8. Are there people in your neighborhood who would benefit from extra attention and care, such as older people, single parent with small children, etc? Why not strike up a casual conversation and let them know you are happy to help when they need something? You might be delighted to find how something small and easy to do for you can be appreciated so much. Offer your love and kindness freely.

Kids really belong to the “village” and we all want to be looking over them. Your community being safe and operating on love will expand to larger community.

9. When you go shopping, talk with the cashier. Treat the storekeepers like real people. Eventually, get to know them as your friend. Same with the bus drivers, the librarians, the customer service reps who answer your 800 calls, etc.

10. If you are in abusive relationship, whether it is romantic relationship or family situation or work related, please have the courage to leave. You are doing a disservice not just to yourself but to the whole by staying there. First, stop participating in their drama. This will likely make them more abusive in their attempt to get your energy, which will prompt you to leave finally.

11. Again, offer your loving words and actions freely. Let go of your agenda. Let’s talk, hug, kiss, and make love with no expectations but just because. Also, feel free to say no.

Love and the fifth dimension

Some people say the fifth dimension is love. I thought about this — length, width, height, time and . . . love?

What I think is there is no polarity in the fifth dimension. Everything is in alignment, and we call this love. In a sense, polarities have helped us learn our life lessons by providing contrast. But as we progress in Ascension and graduate from the school of life, we don’t need polarity any longer. We can just be. This is the ultimate destination we want to take our New World.

Does this mean we are going back to the original utopia like I described in that article? Not quite. I don’t think nature repeats exactly the same way. In the New World, we will be living in love similar to the original utopia but in a more conscious way.

Do you have more ideas to bring in the New World of love? What do you think of my vision of the New World? Let me know by leaving your comment ^_^  (Photo by carf)