Yes to Me

(Photo by dmalantic)

Your energy you can otherwise utilize to make positive changes in your life and enjoy life more.

Don’t undermine the power of words. We express our ideas with words, and we also create with words. This one word creates illusionary world that never exists anywhere but feels so real. The more you indulge in this illusionary world, the more energy it sucks up from you.

The word is: SHOULD

Let me illustrate how this word works. Does this sound familiar to you?

Jane stops at Starbucks on her way to work. “I’m running late. I should have left earlier.” She orders her regular latte, and after a few seconds of hesitation, also orders a blueberry muffin. “I shouldn’t be eating this. . . I know I should eat healthier. My sister’s wedding is four weeks ahead . . . I should go on a diet.”

When she gets her office, she is indeed late, and her boss gives her a glance. “How un-nice he is. . . I’m just a few minutes late. He should treat me better. Maybe I should look for a new job.” It’s a busy day at the office. During the lunch break, she watches the news in the breakroom. “We really should end the war. The money should be used for our kids’ education. . . “

Now compare it to this revised version.

Jane stops at Starbucks on her way to work. “I’m running late. This happens so often – I will set the alarm five minutes early for tomorrow.” She orders her regular latte, and after a few seconds of hesitation, also orders a blueberry muffin. “Okay, I’m giving in to my sweet teeth. But how can I eat healthier? My sister’s wedding is four weeks ahead . . . I want to lose a few pounds and look nice. ” As she drives to work, she thinks how she can avoid eating too much sweets. Perhaps, it will help if she eats breakfast at home. This means she needs to get up even earlier. She is not sure if she can keep up with it, but she decides to give it a try.

When she gets her office, she is indeed late, and her boss gives her a glance. “Uh-oh, good morning to my cranky boss. I’m a few minutes late.” she says in her mind, and starts working – she doesn’t think of a potential job change as a reaction to her negative experience with her boss. It’s a busy day at the office. During the lunch break, she watches the news in the breakroom. “I think we’ve had enough of this war. It is wiser to use the money for our kids’ education. . . “

Do you notice how the SHOULDs are creating the illusionary world?

Things are either IS or ISN’T, but never SHOULD. Jane is late for work because she left the house late. Thinking she “should have” left earlier doesn’t change this fact. This morning’s lateness is already a done-deal. So move on, and if she really doesn’t like running late, think how she can do it differently tomorrow morning, and do it.

Likewise, she is either eating the blueberry muffin or she isn’t. Thinking she “shouldn’t be” eating it doesn’t change the fact nor the muffin’s calorie. But when she thinks she shouldn’t be eating it, her mind goes to the false world of should’s. First she counts all the reasons why she should be eating healthier. She might go ahead and conclude that, now that she knows better, she should be able to eat better. In the wonderful world of should’s, she immediately becomes slim, and boom, suddenly her mind comes back to reality and shocks her. She asks herself, “I ate the blueberry muffin? How could I?” She laments the reality for not living up to the beauty of the world of should’s. “I should have known better.”

Preserve your mental energy for real life.

When our minds are occupied with the ideas of how things should or shouldn’t be, we are pouring our precious energy into this illusionary world. Again, the world of should’s feels so important and real. It feels as if it were just there an arm’s length away and we could grab it by pouring a bit more thought energy into it. All the perfect should’s: What we should do. How people should act. How the world should be. We can spend hours – or even our whole life – thinking about these should’s. And nothing would change.

If we want to change something, we first need to realize and accept how it is. Then we intend to change it – in this real world, not in the illusionary world of should’s. We come up with a goal, make a plan how to change it, and implement the plan. Goals are typically described with WILL, not SHOULD.

Or maybe we don’t need to change it. We don’t need to change every little things that are not quite pleasing. And it is certainly not mine to change the way you are – it is yours. (Unless you ask me to help you.) So I’ll just enjoy what I have rather than wasting my energy thinking how you or something should be.

Word game that makes a difference.

There may be cases where the word SHOULD is justly used, but I am assuming we can do away with 90% or more of it. Make it a habit to check if you are in the nowhere land of should’s, and when you notice you are, reword the should to is or isn’t to come back to reality. This may sound like a silly word game, but it works. Don’t you think Jane in the second scenario will do so much better?

Use your energy wisely to either make the real change or just enjoy what is.

What is your story of how XXXX should be?

Further reading: Note that MLK didn’t say how America SHOULD be, but said WILL be, and state your own dream. I Have A Dream. . .

Another related reading: Bust another guilt-inducing word HAVE TO. Releasing the Energy of Obligation.

Would you like insights and accountability to bring real changes to your life? Please check this page

(Photo by zen)

Said Martin Luther King, Jr. in his speech that changed the consciousness of many Americans.

That was August 28, 1963, and his dream was “that one day this nation will rise up and live out the true meaning of its creed: “We hold these truths to be self-evident, that all men are created equal.” This is an outstanding example of the power of words.

Do you have a dream? Join the “I Have A Dream” Project.

There is an old word in Japanese that means Spirit of Words (kotodama). People believed that spoken words have power to manifest by this Spirit. Make an inspiring speech and it has the power to bring it to reality, beyond the logical mechanics of persuasion and instruction.

So, in honor of the mysterious Spirit and late MLK, I am suggesting a meme called “I Have A Dream. . .” Please let me know when you post your article for this project, and I will add your name and link to this post.

Honestly, I feel like such a big head to start a project after the MLK speech. I am not into political movement – my main intentions are about my personal life, just like you. However, I really think this practice of dreaming big is good for us. Dreaming big is about thinking in terms of possibilities, not probabilities. For this reason, I recommend this practice especially to aspiring entrepreneurs. Of course, everyone is welcome. Please read about the prize and rules for entry at the end of this article.

My Dream
I have a dream that one day, every one of us will wake up in the morning feeling strong and inspired, knowing he or she is living toward their special life purpose. I sense that this is already starting to happen, but we need to bring it up to our clear consciousness.

When this dream actualizes, we will no longer need to distract ourselves from our inner emptiness with things like substances, gambling, and unnecessary luxuries. We will celebrate the joy of life with our friends, and we may serve drinks on such occasions, but we will not drink to distract us from unhappy daily life. Likewise, we will enjoy nice things for their niceness, but we will not need them to disguise the feeling of loss. We will know firsthand the joy and contentment of life with purpose.

Each of us are part of the Whole, yet have a special purpose. When we realize this, we will stop comparing ourselves with others. We will no longer need to compete against our own friends. We will know what it is to love ourselves and others.

When we realize our life purpose, and feel the sense of direction to live toward the purpose, we will have the courage to start doing the things that we previously felt overwhelmed to try, such as starting our own businesses. We will see life as an adventurous journey.

I have a dream. It is a huge dream, and yet it starts with each one of us. Image what the world will be like when this dream come true.

For your thoughts
Check out the movie trailer of The Shift here. (HT to Todd at We The Change) This is another big dream – that needs to happen.

Prize
Just to make it more fun, I am offering a movie DVD to one winner. I wish I could offer The Shift, but this movie is not out yet, so I picked What the Bleep Do We Know!?.

Please post your article and let me know about it by the end of May. Also, I ask my readers to please leave your comments what you think about the posts and which one you like best. With reference to the comments, I will pick 6 finalists, and then randomly pick one winner.

Would you like insights and accountability to bring real changes to your life? Please check this page

(Photo by venkane)

As an immigrant, I can see what Americans take for granted.

I have lived in the US since 1995. I am fully aware of its problems. Yet, I think America is still one of the best places to succeed for someone who is ambitious and hard-working. The sad fact is that many Americans don’t realize it – they have lost the immigrant spirit, which was the spiritual foundation of the country, and just whine while sitting on their status-quo.

Let me tell you two major issues that I believe have been bending the mind of many Japanese for decades and thus have limited the economic growth there. See how you think America fares in these areas.

1. Discriminations that confine the growth of talents

Discrimination leads to systematic loss of good ideas and great talents. It judges the idea by the person who presents the idea rather than by the idea itself, and it judges the person by their attributes rather than by their expertise. I think it is quite amazing Japan has done well in the past despite deep-rooted discriminations such as . . .

Sexism
You must have a penis to be promoted in Japanese companies. I have been involved in the Japanese business community in the US for over a decade, and have dealt with several hundred Japanese businessmen (expats) either as service provider (I used to work for international banking department of a major bank) or as colleague, and never met a Japanese business woman sent directly from Japan. I recently read a news article that Nissan started promoting women – and that made a front page coverage in the business section of a US newspaper . . .

I heard there is an equivalent of affirmative action in Japan, but with no penalty. No penalty means it is just a decoration. Sexism at work is a common practice in Japan, and many Japanese women tolerate very low wage jobs because they can’t find other options.

Ageism
Age discrimination is not only present but in the written rules of many Japanese companies. There, people must retire at certain age. Many companies also limit the maximum age of new hires, viewing older applicants as “un-educatable.” People are put in age hierarchy, which limits free and expansive thinking and communication. In this rigid society, people age quickly – at age 25, I was repeatedly told I was too old to get a job or to get married. (I heard they recently raised the cut-off line to age 29. . . How nice.)

Racism
Many Japanese insist there are no racism in Japan because it is a homogeneous society. Nothing is farther than the truth. First, Japan is not “homogeneous.” There are Ainus in Hokkaido, and people in Okinawa consider themselves as different from the mainland Japanese – for good cultural reasons. There are also tens of thousands of Chinese and Koreans living in Japan. By ignoring them, many Japanese render themselves to the worst form of discrimination.

Further, many Japanese (secretly) subscribe to old racism. I have worked for three Japanese-invested companies in the US, and never saw a black American in senior management. Beside the Japanese expats, all senior management were white men, with one white woman among them. (One female representative is considered necessary to avoid the accusation of sexism.)

2. Social myths (tatemae) that only gives disillusion and distrust to those who know the reality (hon-ne)

You’ve heard lots of good things about Japan. Well, many are not true. But if you ask a Japanese about it, he or she would probably say it is true – because they know they are supposed to endorse it. They do know the reality is far from what is advertised, but have no way to express their concerns outside their inner circle. This split mentality causes confusion. Over time, people lose enthusiasm even for really good cause – they’ve been disappointed with the discrepancies of promoted good cause and the reality just too often. It’s an anti-thesis of Pavlof’s dog. When disappointed too often, they may shun away even at the sight of a real treat.

Some well promoted myths are . . .

Good school system
Japanese score well in many tests. But the real contributor to the high scores is the cram school, not the regular school. Japanese kids (I mean elementary school kids) work until 9 pm at cram schools. They have no energy left by the time they enter adulthood, no interest in real learning, and no creativity.

Low divorce rate
It is low for a reason. Did I say getting a reasonable job is hard for women in Japan? Especially for older women (read: women over the age of 30)? For them, divorce means freedom in poverty. Add to that the social shame still associated with divorce. The image of marriage in Japan is one-way ticket to mystery house – no exit whatever you find there.

Good health
Japanese do live long. Many older folks are bed-ridden for years, but yes, they are kept alive.

I am concerned about western researches that report things like “Japanese (or Asian) women don’t suffer from menopause.” Do they realize that those women are under social pressure NOT to discuss physical discomfort? When I was working for a Japanese-invested company, I once made a mistake and complained about my shoulder pain. The Japanese sales VP snared at me and said, “That’s menopause . . . oops, I’m not supposed to say this in America, huh?” It’s been years now and I still have my period very regularly, so obviously it was not menopause. The point is that women are conditioned not to discuss physical issues – if they do, they go under the storm of social ridicule. (My example is really nothing compared to what goes on back in Japan.)

Oh, I love America!

I am still a woman, no younger than I was when I was in Japan, with yellow golden skin and a bit of accent, and none of these stopped me from getting great jobs, and I can even start my own business! I can say what I believe to be true, and because I have kept my honesty and integrity, I feel passionate about the causes I believe in! Thank you, thank you, thank you.

Red on to my story of coming to America . . . and how it is so like becoming an entrepreneur . . . here.

Thanks to Jeremy at Struck in Traffic for including this post in American Economics Carnival.

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