Yes to Me

(Photo by dmalantic)

Your energy you can otherwise utilize to make positive changes in your life and enjoy life more.

Don’t undermine the power of words. We express our ideas with words, and we also create with words. This one word creates illusionary world that never exists anywhere but feels so real. The more you indulge in this illusionary world, the more energy it sucks up from you.

The word is: SHOULD

Let me illustrate how this word works. Does this sound familiar to you?

Jane stops at Starbucks on her way to work. “I’m running late. I should have left earlier.” She orders her regular latte, and after a few seconds of hesitation, also orders a blueberry muffin. “I shouldn’t be eating this. . . I know I should eat healthier. My sister’s wedding is four weeks ahead . . . I should go on a diet.”

When she gets her office, she is indeed late, and her boss gives her a glance. “How un-nice he is. . . I’m just a few minutes late. He should treat me better. Maybe I should look for a new job.” It’s a busy day at the office. During the lunch break, she watches the news in the breakroom. “We really should end the war. The money should be used for our kids’ education. . . “

Now compare it to this revised version.

Jane stops at Starbucks on her way to work. “I’m running late. This happens so often – I will set the alarm five minutes early for tomorrow.” She orders her regular latte, and after a few seconds of hesitation, also orders a blueberry muffin. “Okay, I’m giving in to my sweet teeth. But how can I eat healthier? My sister’s wedding is four weeks ahead . . . I want to lose a few pounds and look nice. ” As she drives to work, she thinks how she can avoid eating too much sweets. Perhaps, it will help if she eats breakfast at home. This means she needs to get up even earlier. She is not sure if she can keep up with it, but she decides to give it a try.

When she gets her office, she is indeed late, and her boss gives her a glance. “Uh-oh, good morning to my cranky boss. I’m a few minutes late.” she says in her mind, and starts working – she doesn’t think of a potential job change as a reaction to her negative experience with her boss. It’s a busy day at the office. During the lunch break, she watches the news in the breakroom. “I think we’ve had enough of this war. It is wiser to use the money for our kids’ education. . . “

Do you notice how the SHOULDs are creating the illusionary world?

Things are either IS or ISN’T, but never SHOULD. Jane is late for work because she left the house late. Thinking she “should have” left earlier doesn’t change this fact. This morning’s lateness is already a done-deal. So move on, and if she really doesn’t like running late, think how she can do it differently tomorrow morning, and do it.

Likewise, she is either eating the blueberry muffin or she isn’t. Thinking she “shouldn’t be” eating it doesn’t change the fact nor the muffin’s calorie. But when she thinks she shouldn’t be eating it, her mind goes to the false world of should’s. First she counts all the reasons why she should be eating healthier. She might go ahead and conclude that, now that she knows better, she should be able to eat better. In the wonderful world of should’s, she immediately becomes slim, and boom, suddenly her mind comes back to reality and shocks her. She asks herself, “I ate the blueberry muffin? How could I?” She laments the reality for not living up to the beauty of the world of should’s. “I should have known better.”

Preserve your mental energy for real life.

When our minds are occupied with the ideas of how things should or shouldn’t be, we are pouring our precious energy into this illusionary world. Again, the world of should’s feels so important and real. It feels as if it were just there an arm’s length away and we could grab it by pouring a bit more thought energy into it. All the perfect should’s: What we should do. How people should act. How the world should be. We can spend hours – or even our whole life – thinking about these should’s. And nothing would change.

If we want to change something, we first need to realize and accept how it is. Then we intend to change it – in this real world, not in the illusionary world of should’s. We come up with a goal, make a plan how to change it, and implement the plan. Goals are typically described with WILL, not SHOULD.

Or maybe we don’t need to change it. We don’t need to change every little things that are not quite pleasing. And it is certainly not mine to change the way you are – it is yours. (Unless you ask me to help you.) So I’ll just enjoy what I have rather than wasting my energy thinking how you or something should be.

Word game that makes a difference.

There may be cases where the word SHOULD is justly used, but I am assuming we can do away with 90% or more of it. Make it a habit to check if you are in the nowhere land of should’s, and when you notice you are, reword the should to is or isn’t to come back to reality. This may sound like a silly word game, but it works. Don’t you think Jane in the second scenario will do so much better?

Use your energy wisely to either make the real change or just enjoy what is.

What is your story of how XXXX should be?

Further reading: Note that MLK didn’t say how America SHOULD be, but said WILL be, and state your own dream. I Have A Dream. . .

Another related reading: Bust another guilt-inducing word HAVE TO. Releasing the Energy of Obligation.

Click here for insights on how to bring about real change into your own life.