Dodging The Many Forms Of Psychological Manipulation
One of the major challenges of living fully is the mind manipulations from people around you.
People – including your loved ones, unfortunately – will try to hold you down where you are by various forms of manipulation. When we aspire to live fully and make changes in our lives, we need to be watchful of these manipulations and learn how to dodge them.
I don’t mean those who manipulate are bad people. Manipulation is typically based on fear, and they are only trying to keep things at status quo because they themselves are scared so much. Nonetheless, manipulation is very harmful to your growth.
Do you recognize these manipulation techniques?
Some manipulations come in such subtle and seemingly innocent forms. My list here is only a partial list of so many variations of manipulations. . .
1. Pointing out potential problems
Example:
“You want to start your own business that resonates more with who you are? Oh, that is wonderful. I wish you luck. So many startup businesses fail within five years, the statistics says, though. . .”
Does he really know what the stats mean? Is he with you to better the chances? Or is he just afraid himself, and wants you to be afraid, too?
This manipulation often utilizes statistics or failure stories they heard somewhere. It sounds realistic, practical – and uninspiring.
A variation of this approach is to point out the negative side effects. They may admit that the change you are trying to implement is positive, but also point out the potential negative effects.
Example:
“ You want to start your own business? Are you aware how many hours self-employed people have to work a day?”
Some even imply you might lose your relationship. . .
And they often add this line,
“I just don’t want you to get into trouble.”
2. Direct put-down disguised as a joke
Example:
“It should be illegal for non-MBA’s to start businesses – what the heck do they know, lol, look at the failure rate (add demeaning body language here)! Hey, I didn’t mean you! Cheer up.”
It’s supposed to be unsociable not to understand jokes, and they utilize this social conditioning. They say something really un-nice, and when your feeling is hurt, they treat you as naïve.
Here is my acid test for jokes: Does it make you feel light and warm or does it leave you a nasty taste in the mouth? This test works for all kinds of jokes, whether it is aimed at yourself or others. Watch out the fake jokes.
3. “Count the blessings” you already have
Example:
“We are happy as we are. We should be. Look at what you’ve earned – and there are lots of less fortunate people out there, you know. . .”
This is a twisted logic. Of course, we, each one of us, are blessed as we are. But it doesn’t mean we should stagnate where we are. Don’t feel guilty for seeking more.
4. “What is the point?” apathy
Example:
“Well, you know it takes so much work to be successful in business. . . Do you really want to do that? You are ten years from comfortable retirement. . .”
From their perspective, the glass is always half empty, no matter what you do. They don’t even point out potential problems. They don’t pretend to be content. They are, in effect, half dead and want you to be the same.
5. Acting out
Example:
You talk with your family about your decision to go back to school. Everyone seems happy. So you start the application process. Suddenly, out of the blue, there is a surprise in the family – some kind of crisis – like your spouse’s car breaks down and you need a chunk of money to buy a new car. Then you find out your brother is checked in for rehab and he and his family really need some moral support. And . . .
I don’t mean they cause the crisis on purpose. It just happens – one after the other – until you are completely distracted from your aspiration, or you figure out “It’s just not the right time.”
How to cope with manipulation
You don’t. Coping only encourages more manipulation. Dodge them, and just do what you have to do.
Just do it.
I took the extreme route and moved myself across the Pacific Ocean. This was not just to dodge manipulation from my family but was in line with my dream to complete college education and build a new life. Nevertheless, it ended most of the subtle and not-so-subtle manipulations. Prior to my migration, they tried to change my mind by counting the blessings of the comfortable life in my home country. They even tried to bribe me. . . “Do you want a new dress? We can dine out at nice restaurants if you stay around. Are you aware you will be financially stressed if you go to America?” They also threatened me that I’d be robbed and murdered in America – very realistic-sounding potential, but somehow I have happily survived for 13 years – and counting. Oh, and they tried to dampen my dream. “Why do you need to complete your education in the US? What would you get for the time and money you invest?. . .”
I’m not recommending you to move thousands of miles to dodge manipulation. But do know action – the action toward your aspiration — is the antidote to manipulation. I don’t think talking back or reasoning things out work really. Nor reactions to manipulation.
“The significant problems we have cannot be solved at the same level of thinking with which we created them. ” Albert Einstein
Is manipulation from your family and friends an issue for your personal growth? How do you deal with it?
Thanks to Lexi for including this post in Creative Growth Carnival.
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Comments
Comment from akemi
Time: April 25, 2008, 12:23 pm
Melanie,
I am so glad this blog is of help for you. It is hard when your loved ones are not quite with you, especially when you are starting something new — which by itself stressful even when it is a good change.
If you are new in business, be sure to check the Interview With Successful Entrepreneurs series (in category “Interview”) — these are real life-sized people who overcame various difficulties and built profitable businesses.
I learn a lot from them myself!
Comment from Andrea Hess | Empowered Soul Blog
Time: April 26, 2008, 5:50 am
Very true! Luckily, if we stick to our guns, those people tend to either turn their attention elsewhere (because, you know, otherwise they’d have to admit they were “wrong”!) or they seem to disappear from our lives …
You are totally right - engaging with these manipulations and trying to convince people to get behind us is a total waste of energy. Instead of trying to gather support where there is none to be gained, our resources need to be pulled inward so that we can forge ahead.
Blessings,
Andrea
Comment from kirsten - circe’s kitchen
Time: April 26, 2008, 9:40 am
I think every entreprenuer/self-starter/freelancer/professional creative has heard at least one of these! I’ve lost track of how many times I’ve heard the “this % of businesses fail within the first 1- 5 years” (the numbers always change a little) It’s become something of a negative mantra.
Dealing with these attitudes is like being an athlete who trains by running through an obstacle course–you learn how to deal, how to get stronger, savvier, when to swerve, when to run straight ahead.
Comment from akemi
Time: April 26, 2008, 2:41 pm
Andrea,
Sometimes the social emphasis to keep peace with the loved ones gets too much that we forget that self-love is the first love we need to value. . . and that is so counter-productive. Even though my parents may not be all that happy with me so far away, I think they’d be more unhappy if I stayed around wasting my life.
Kirsten,
The stats is very misleading. We are not stats. We make stats with our actions. Don’t spend too much energy “dealing with” the negative people — it is not ours to change them — use your energy to do what you have to do.
Comment from Goal Setting College
Time: April 26, 2008, 9:25 pm
Awesome take, Akemi! I personally think #3 is a lethal and yet silent dream killer as it usually disguises itself as discontentment or ungratefulness. In truth, that’s totally the opposite! It’s precisely because you appreciate and acknowledge the essence of life that propels you to undertake and live it to the fullest by going after your dreams/goals!
I’ll like to share a quote I heard from somewhere, “You cannot determine the length of your life but you can decide on its breadth and depth.” By going after your dreams regardless of the odds and naysayers, you’re well on your way towards the latter.
Thanks for the great article!
Cheers,
Ellesse
Comment from Lexi of Creative Energies
Time: April 27, 2008, 6:08 am
I agree that you do not have to move thousands of miles to dodge manipulations. Speaking from personal experience, a few hundred miles will often do quite nicely!
Glad you took your leap and kept going. It sure is threatening to people to see someone move ahead when they are afraid to go themselves, and dealing with their feeling-threatened behavior gets really tiresome.
Let’s all just move more and more into the positive expression of our dreams!
Lexi
Comment from akemi
Time: April 27, 2008, 7:34 am
Ellesse,
That’s a great saying! Thank you for pointing out the loving nature of seeking life’s potentials. I feel empowered!
Lexi,
Lol, I also just moved from Nashville to Portland, Oregon. . .
Geographic move works for some — I’m a migrant.
Comment from Cath Lawson
Time: April 28, 2008, 8:07 am
Hi Akemi - I know exactly where you’re coming from. I’ve been subject to such manipulations for many years from my family but some are not so subtle. This played a big part in my decision to emigrate this year. It wasn’t my only reason but I know the absence of these interferences will make a huge difference to my life.
Comment from akemi
Time: April 28, 2008, 7:47 pm
Cath,
Oh, another migrant here! My best wishes to your move — are you moving to Australia?
Comment from Barbara Swafford
Time: April 28, 2008, 11:49 pm
Hi Akemi,
This is a great topic. In years past, some have used guilt on me, humor, and the “why would you want to do THAT?”. When I believe in something, I will hold my ground. The only time I didn’t was when I wanted to join the Peace Corps and my mother begged me not to. She said she would be worried sick, and I knew she was telling the truth. I couldn’t do that to her. She wasn’t a manipulative person.
Barbara Swaffords last blog post..NBOTW Finds Harmony
Comment from akemi
Time: April 29, 2008, 7:38 am
Barbara,
You bring up a great point! Yes, our family may have genuine concern that could conflict with what we want to do, and then we have to decide which to choose. That is not manipulation. Sometimes the distinction is hard. . . For example, have you seen the movie The Big Blue? Did you wonder how she could let him go when she had very valid concern for his safety?
I am glad you made a conscious decision.
Pingback from But …Maybe You Should Button It? | Catherine Lawson
Time: May 1, 2008, 11:50 am
[…] Akemi recently had quite a few things to say about the folk who like to say “but”. And as she points out, often it’s not that they want to spoil your dreams - sometimes it’s simply because of their own fears. […]
Pingback from Energies of Creation » Carnival of Creative Growth #27
Time: May 11, 2008, 1:45 pm
[…] Gaines presents Dodging The Many Forms Of Psychological Manipulation.Ways to deal with manipulative people […]
Comment from melanie
Time: April 25, 2008, 12:16 pm
Akemi, this post totally resonates with me. I am starting a new venture and find my family and friends pulling some of these very things. You are so right, coping doesn’t help..you just have to stay on task!
I am so enjoying your blog. i look forward to every post!