Dodging The Many Forms Of Psychological Manipulation

(Photo by cobalt123)

One of the major challenges of living fully is the mind manipulations from people around you.

People – including your loved ones, unfortunately – will try to hold you down where you are by various forms of manipulation. When we aspire to live fully and make changes in our lives, we need to be watchful of these manipulations and learn how to dodge them.

I don’t mean those who manipulate are bad people. Manipulation is typically based on fear, and they are only trying to keep things at status quo because they themselves are scared so much. Nonetheless, manipulation is very harmful to your growth.

Do you recognize these manipulation techniques?

Some manipulations come in such subtle and seemingly innocent forms. My list here is only a partial list of so many variations of manipulations. . .

1. Pointing out potential problems

Example:

“You want to start your own business that resonates more with who you are? Oh, that is wonderful. I wish you luck. So many startup businesses fail within five years, the statistics says, though. . .”

Does he really know what the stats mean? Is he with you to better the chances? Or is he just afraid himself, and wants you to be afraid, too?

This manipulation often utilizes statistics or failure stories they heard somewhere. It sounds realistic, practical – and uninspiring.

A variation of this approach is to point out the negative side effects. They may admit that the change you are trying to implement is positive, but also point out the potential negative effects.

Example:

“ You want to start your own business? Are you aware how many hours self-employed people have to work a day?”

Some even imply you might lose your relationship. . .

And they often add this line,

“I just don’t want you to get into trouble.”

2. Direct put-down disguised as a joke
Example:

“It should be illegal for non-MBA’s to start businesses – what the heck do they know, lol, look at the failure rate (add demeaning body language here)! Hey, I didn’t mean you! Cheer up.”

It’s supposed to be unsociable not to understand jokes, and they utilize this social conditioning. They say something really un-nice, and when your feeling is hurt, they treat you as naïve.

Here is my acid test for jokes: Does it make you feel light and warm or does it leave you a nasty taste in the mouth? This test works for all kinds of jokes, whether it is aimed at yourself or others. Watch out the fake jokes.

3. “Count the blessings” you already have
Example:

“We are happy as we are. We should be. Look at what you’ve earned – and there are lots of less fortunate people out there, you know. . .”

This is a twisted logic. Of course, we, each one of us, are blessed as we are. But it doesn’t mean we should stagnate where we are. Don’t feel guilty for seeking more.

4. “What is the point?” apathy
Example:

“Well, you know it takes so much work to be successful in business. . . Do you really want to do that? You are ten years from comfortable retirement. . .”

From their perspective, the glass is always half empty, no matter what you do. They don’t even point out potential problems. They don’t pretend to be content. They are, in effect, half dead and want you to be the same.

5. Acting out
Example:

You talk with your family about your decision to go back to school. Everyone seems happy. So you start the application process. Suddenly, out of the blue, there is a surprise in the family – some kind of crisis – like your spouse’s car breaks down and you need a chunk of money to buy a new car. Then you find out your brother is checked in for rehab and he and his family really need some moral support. And . . .

I don’t mean they cause the crisis on purpose. It just happens – one after the other – until you are completely distracted from your aspiration, or you figure out “It’s just not the right time.”

How to cope with manipulation

You don’t. Coping only encourages more manipulation. Dodge them, and just do what you have to do.

Just do it.

I took the extreme route and moved myself across the Pacific Ocean. This was not just to dodge manipulation from my family but was in line with my dream to complete college education and build a new life. Nevertheless, it ended most of the subtle and not-so-subtle manipulations. Prior to my migration, they tried to change my mind by counting the blessings of the comfortable life in my home country. They even tried to bribe me. . . “Do you want a new dress? We can dine out at nice restaurants if you stay around. Are you aware you will be financially stressed if you go to America?” They also threatened me that I’d be robbed and murdered in America – very realistic-sounding potential, but somehow I have happily survived for 13 years – and counting. Oh, and they tried to dampen my dream. “Why do you need to complete your education in the US? What would you get for the time and money you invest?. . .”

I’m not recommending you to move thousands of miles to dodge manipulation. But do know action – the action toward your aspiration — is the antidote to manipulation. I don’t think talking back or reasoning things out work really. Nor reactions to manipulation.

“The significant problems we have cannot be solved at the same level of thinking with which we created them. ” Albert Einstein

Is manipulation from your family and friends an issue for your personal growth? How do you deal with it?

Thanks to Lexi for including this post in Creative Growth Carnival, to Peter for inclusion in the Change Carnival.

Accidental Sparkles: Susanna Ordway

(Photo by Leefotos)

What was your reaction to 9/11?

Do you remember that day? It was a weekday, so most likely you were at your work, doing what you usually do, and heard the news sometime during the day. Did the news change the way you see your work, and life in general?

My deepest sympathy to the victims and their families. Having said that, I must also point out that a disaster like that sheds unexpected light to our lives. It makes us reexamine our values. We ask ourselves, “Am I doing what really matters in life? Gee, I thought as if tomorrow would be just like yesterday, but maybe not. Would I die happy if something happens tomorrow?” It can give us the kick to take decision action.

Today’s guest to the Interview With Successful Entrepreneurs is Susanna Ordway, who took a year-long sabbatical after 9/11. This gave her the time to be with her family and herself, eventually leading to entrepreneurship. Please check her beautiful jewelry that give extra sparkle to your life at Susanna Ordway Jewelry Designs.

1. Tell us a bit about your business and why you started it.

My business, Susanna Ordway Jewelry Designs, was actually an accident…an unplanned detour to what I thought I should do with my life. Fortunately, life and the universe took me on a happier, less stressful route by way of my current career.

As a good Chinese daughter, I was taught to find a good job in a practical industry and company, even though I have loved art and had a passion for beauty and fashion since I was little. I followed that advice for about 12 years, working as Marketing Manager and Corporate Communication Manager for the banking industry. But after being unhappy in my last two years as a corporate employee, and after 9/11 showed us all that life is just too short, I left the corporate world for a year to become a mom to my two daughters and a wife and homemaker to my husband.

Then, as I contemplated whether or not to return to work (I love my husband and daughters, but needed something just for Me), I stumbled into jewelry making. I found that I not only loved the craft, but am good with both design and technique. As I learned, more and more people asked to buy my designs and so my business, Crystal Accents, grew organically.

I knew that my new business was the right decision for me when I doubled my sales the second quarter without any advertising outside of wearing my own creations. Also, it was very gratifying when Swarovski® presented me with its exclusive “Crystallized With Swarovski” Quality Brand partnership after previewing my designs. This exclusive partnership is usually limited to well-known designers such as Roberto Caravelli, Prada, and Escada. Swarovski® has also featured my chandelier earring designs in their publications.

Now, as I expand my designs and techniques, I have updated my business name to Susanna Ordway Jewelry Designs, keeping Crystal Accents as the name for my bridal and fashion collections. I am very happy to know that I am now able to fulfill my artistic mission: To create beautiful items that help enhance a woman’s beauty and style, that visually communicate her individual personality, which results in building a more positive self-image.

2. What were the three biggest challenges when you were starting off as a new entrepreneur?

The three biggest challenges for me starting out were:

• Formulating a solid business plan
• Learning how to price my work, especially with regards to my time and labor
• Learning that being an entrepreneur and business owner doesn’t mean having to do everything

3. And how did you work through these challenges?

Because my business slowly grew out of a hobby and not out of a concrete plan for a formal company, I didn’t have an actual business plan when I started Crystal Accents. Even after the business started growing, my plan was more or less reactive—to basically address issues as they arose.

But with the help of many other entrepreneurs and business owners that I have had the privilege to meet through various networking opportunities, I not only learn about developing business and marketing plans specific to my industry, but also how to value my work’s worth and how to let go if I want my business to grow.

It’s true, being an entrepreneur doesn’t mean you have to do everything yourself. I find that the more I let others help me, the better my work gets and the more my business grows.

4. What is the best part of being an entrepreneur for you?

No office politics!!! Having a work schedule that allows me to spend more time with my family whenever I want and not when the employer lets me; being praised for my work frequently; and knowing that wearing my jewelry makes my clients very happy.

5. Any advice for people who dream to have their own business and yet find it hard to make the leap?

It’s always difficult to make changes, and especially frightening when the changes have anything to do with your identity, your finances or what others may think. Just remember that we only get one life, and having one that is happy and fulfilling to you, is so much more important than one that follows someone else’s priorities.

This is actually much easier than you think. If you have to, follow your dreams by taking baby steps. For example, if you cannot give up your current job due to finances, then start your business as a part-time venture while you’re still employed. Then build your business until you can do that full-time.

My Takeaway
I like her relaxed approach to entrepreneurship. Step-by-step development puts the stress of startup in check and is a good way to manage risks.

Life is a gift, and the best way to express our appreciation for this gift is to live it well. It takes just a bit of courage, a little bit of opening of your mind, to start taking actions that can make big difference in the way we live this gift.

Learning To Love Networking

(Photo by ecstaticist)

Are you secretly shy but want to network to promote yourself and your business?

First, you are not alone. It is so natural to feel a bit of resistance when we make that first connection with a new person. It’s an animal instinct – you don’t know how they may respond, so there is a level of danger. Further, we’ve all had unpleasant experience with those slick “networkers” who work the room around handing out their business cards. Apparently, all they cared was their own business and you felt used. So you don’t want to be like them.

The good news is, networking doesn’t have to be that way. I have been making several new friends a week using the following three strategies. These strategies reduce my stress level when I approach new people, and let me build rapport that helps each other.

1. Have sincere interest in the person you are reaching out.

And know that people like being approached . . . by someone who really appreciate who he or she is. This means I do my homework before contacting the person. When I reach out to another blogger, I first spend time reading their blog – their home page, about page, their own top pick posts (many blogs have “Best of XXX” list in the sidebar), and several recent posts. While I am at this, I might leave comments or stumble upon the posts. Then I email the blogger how I like their blog, which part really touched my heart or which tips I found most useful.

Most of the time, the recipients get back to me so happily. Very often, we start working together quickly. For example, the guests of my Interview With Successful Entrepreneurs series are often recruited this way. Or we might talk about guest blog opportunities.

I find online connection is easier than offline because I can do this homework. It is also easier online to find people with similar interests. I search through Google and StumbleUpon for blogs about business and personal development. I also check comments on my own blog and on blogs I like. Additionally, there are blogs who regularly feature good blogs, such as NBOTW and the Quote of the Week.

When I physically meet people, the homework is sometimes difficult to do. I don’t usually know the people who will be there at the meeting I will be attending. So I just have to build it from the ground that we are attending the same meeting – with a certain interest in common. And I attempt the second strategy . . .

2. Have something to give.

This is mainly for myself, for me to feel more comfortable to approach a new person and to have a little reason to approach the person. If it’s online relationship, I might offer my e-workbook 7 Check Points For Aspiring Entrepreneurs for their review. The stumble (= new traffic) and comments I mentioned above are another example of mini gifts.

It reduces my stress level tremendously when I think more about what I can give rather than what I can get. And I don’t think it has to be a “stuff” that I give. I’d most appreciate if someone emails me with an idea to improve my blog. Or when someone quotes from my post and send me link love. Wouldn’t you?

When I attend meetings and seminars, I might bring in something to give (think of a box of donuts, for instance) if it seems appropriate and I seek something nice to say to the person I want to talk to. For example, I will talk to the person during the break and mention the great question she asked in the seminar. Or I compliment the unique ring the woman next to me is wearing or ask about the book someone is carrying.

And finally, here is a strategy to multiply your effort of networking. . .

3. Promote others.

Yep. Don’t just promote yourself, promote others. For two reasons. One, it’s the best gift you can give to the person you are helping to get ahead, and if that person is worth the attention, they will remember. They will do what they can do to help you. You are building a strong ally for yourself by promoting others. Two, you are helping the person in front of you, too, by giving solid reference, and they will appreciate you. (Needless to say, be sure your reference is excellent.)

And again, saying nice things about someone else is so much easier than promoting myself. I often wonder why it is so challenging to say I am a great coach! I know I do a wonderful job, and it is a work of love – it helps people to live better, so I am proud of my work, and yet . . . aaaaagh! My heart is starting to go faster with self-consciousness!! Whereas promoting the coaching service in general is not that difficult for me, and talking about the great blog I found is casual and fun. (Like, did I mention Cath Lawson’s Fab Quotes?)

We can’t afford not to network in life and in business.

Any business is about person to person connection at its core. The above three strategies make a good start in networking. It is not a way to get maximum number of names in the shortest time possible. It is about building strong meaningful relationships in a slow and steady way while feeling good about ourselves. It works for me, especially online. For offline networking, I still have a lot to try – I am checking what kind of meetings or seminars are good for networking, how to find them, how to physically approach people, and so on. I appreciate if you have any suggestions.

Related reading: Professional Networking: It’s Not Just Who You Know

More related reading especially about how to use comments for networking:
How I Made $2500 Online Simply By Leaving a Comment at Adversity University
Rethinking Blog Comments at Dosh Dosh

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